Some characters are obsessed with the idea of being in love, but then when they actually get it… they can’t seem to stop themselves from running in the opposite direction. Across film and television, so many characters are plagued by commitment issues that keep them from actually being able to settle in and enjoy the relationships they manage to get into. So, what is it that makes the idea of being in love so alluring, but the actual experience of it a lot more scary? Let’s take a closer look.

The Desire For Love… Or Something Like It

Most characters on screen are looking for love to some degree, but some of them are really intense about their search. They’ve been shaped by our culture to believe that love is not only something they should want, but something that will complete them (and if they’re a woman, that it’s the only thing that should really matter in her life.) This leads to them obsessively searching for that perfect relationship, that moment that everything finally just falls into place. Then, they find the “one”… and for some reason it just doesn’t work out… and then they find another “one”, only to find again something’s wrong… and then find another one only to (surprise!) realize there’s just some reason they can’t commit.

“There’s no way to tell you this. At least, there’s no new way for me to tell you this…” Friends

Sometimes this is just writers’ way of getting rid of runner-up love interests before finally pairing up the movie or show’s true pairing, but a lot of the time it’s an actual integral part of the character themselves. Their fear of commitment isn’t just a plot contrivance, it’s a real part of who they are (whether they’re ready to admit it or not…)

“See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you’re single. It’s your default setting.” How I Met Your Mother

A major roadblock for these types of characters is that they aren’t really looking for love – they’re looking for someone to love them. They often aren’t actually searching for a real, equal partnership, they just want to be the focus of someone else’s desire. They approach their relationships as fantasies – they’ve already dreamed up how everything will be, how they’ll come across, how the other person will behave, and how they’ll have a happily ever after with no conflict. And when life doesn’t turn out to be that way, they feel like everything is broken – they don’t want to have to work on building love or to deal with the complexities of creating a life with another person, they want it to just appear, perfect and without them having to actually contribute anything.

Other times, characters can’t commit because in their desperation to find that perfect love, they’ve been trying to cheat their way to their happily ever after by pretending to be something they’re not. But then once they actually start getting close to anyone, they have to contend with the constant fear that their ruse will be uncovered, and so it’s on to the next one. The most classic example of this is Maggie from Runaway Bride. She became locally famous because she ditched three separate fiances at the altar – very literally running from the commitment – before the film even starts and is on to the fourth when we meet her. Eventually we come to find that her problem actually isn’t with committing so much as her fear of having to keep up a charade forever because in every relationship, she’s spent the entire time pretending to be the woman she thinks each guy wants instead of being herself. And so every time she makes it to the altar, she realizes that if she goes through with it, she’ll be stuck having to pretend to be that other version of herself forever. In the end, she’s able to overcome her fear by taking the time to get to know herself, and after doing so is able to enter into a relationship with someone who knows and likes the real her.

“I guarantee that we’ll have tough times. And I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us will want to get out. But I also guarantee… that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart… you’re the only one for me.” Runaway Bride

Sometimes characters who are on the other end of the spectrum – who genuinely aren’t interested in settling down – get caught up in this trope because they keep getting caught up in situationships with people who do want that commitment. Robin on How I Met Your Mother is a classic example – she’s open from the very beginning about how she’s not at all interested in a serious relationship or settling down.

“We barely know each other and you’re giving me that look like, ‘let’s get married and have kids’ and… It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong girl.” How I Met Your Mother

She isn’t afraid of or running from love, she just has other things that she’s interested in and wants to focus on in her life. Bridgerton’s eternal-bachelor Benedict has no desire to settle down, and instead quite enjoys his life of romantic and sexual freedom. Though he’s the second oldest son, he doesn’t face the same pressures and fears around remaining unmarried that his sisters have to deal with. Tilly does open up to him about her feelings for him, but he just isn’t looking for a steady relationship at this point in his life and so turns her down. Because being in a relationship and finding love is seen as such an important part of life, characters like these can often find themselves getting labeled as commitmentphobes even though they’re not running from anything – they just know what they want, and it happens to not align with what society thinks they should want.

For the characters that are in fact fleeing from commitment, however, there can actually be a lot of reasons for their cold feet…

Want It Until They’ve Got It

Because these characters are often pretty obsessed with being in a relationship, and in their obsession with idealized romance have learned how to (at least at first) say and do all of the “right” things, they usually don’t have a hard time getting into relationships. But once they’re actually in it, and being confronted by the messy, complicated reality of sharing your life with someone, the panic starts setting in. They start to realize that this love won’t fix all of their problems, and that the other person won’t always act exactly the way they imagined – and then they just start to completely detach themselves from the relationship, no matter how intensely they were dedicated to it before.

Sometimes this fear stems from the idea that being in a solid, committed relationship means that they have to really grow up and get their own act together. Settling down is often seen as the last big leap into proper adulthood, and they fear that it means giving up a lot of the freedom they enjoy. Nick and Jess on New Girl didn’t work out their first time around because Nick was afraid of committing to their future (or, really, any adult future at all.) Their timing just wasn’t quite right – she was ready to start taking big steps forward, and he definitely was not.

“What do you want from me, Jess?” “I just want you to take a little more responsibility.” New Girl

But in the end Nick did manage to overcome his fear of commitment and adulthood and they worked everything out. Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw constantly ran from commitment – except to the one guy who was not willing to commit to her, of course. She was unsure of her relationship with Aiden pretty much the entire time they were together, and every time he attempted to take things to the next level it absolutely freaked her out. She preferred the idea of Big because she preferred acting like Big – she didn’t want someone who was going to expect a lot from her, or always be there, or be seeking commitment from her. While she says she wants Big to commit, to be ready to settle down – what really continues to draw her to him is the very fact that, just like her, he never really will.

Fear of commitment is often borne out of very real, deeply hidden issues. One Day’s Dex is a playboy who’s not interested in giving up his partying ways to settle down. He avoids putting his full self into anything – his relationships, his career – because he feels like if he doesn’t fully commit then it won’t be his fault when things go wrong. He held anyone and anything that really meant something to him at arm’s length because of his insecurity in who he was, and his self-destructive nature made it hard for anyone to even try to get close to him. But after a very long journey of personal growth, he does finally face that fear head on and find the courage to commit to the love that’s been right in front of his face all along.

“I was just waiting for you.” One Day

On Friends, Chandler Bing is initially a huge commitmentphobe, constantly breaking up with women for the silliest reasons.

“How many perfectly fine women are you going to reject over the most superficial, insignificant things?” Friends

At its core, the issue stems from his being scarred by his parents’ divorce – watching their break up made him distrustful of the entire idea of relationships. When he eventually gets together with Monica, his old fears still start creeping back in and he starts looking for the exit. But Monica being Monica is willing to take control of the situation and help steer him towards healthier coping mechanisms so that he can overcome his commitment issues and be a good partner.

“You know when I said that I want you to deal with relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you’re not ready for that.” “I didn’t think I was!” Friends

LOVE IN MANY FORMS

Often the biggest step to getting over a fear of commitment is getting over your fear of being yourself and being truly seen by other people in your life. Sometimes this can be sparked by finding the person they really do want to be with and realizing that they’ve got to get their act together. Other times characters continue to feel like long-term commitment isn’t for them, but not because they’re afraid or hiding something about themselves, but just because they’ve found other things they want to focus on. Maeve began Sex Education afraid to commit to her relationship with Jackson, and then went on to have an on-again-off-again relationship with Otis over the course of the show. They didn’t end up together in the end – but not because she was afraid of committing, but because she wanted to chase her dreams.

Love isn’t a magic cure-all, and it also isn’t something to be afraid of. Opening yourself up to another person (or persons) fully and really committing to a relationship can be scary, but in the end it can be worth taking the leap.

“I don’t believe in soulmates, either.” “You don’t?” “Nope. I don’t think that you and I were destined to end up together. I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship.” Friends