There’s a surprising divide on TV right now – in how marriage is represented on screen. It seems like we’re split between two ideas of how millennials and Gen Z feel about getting hitched, which plays out across genres. Comedies and dramas explore a laid back attitude to being married – where characters either aren’t too worried about it, or actively avoid it.
“Why must our only options be to squawk and settle or to never leave the nest. What if I want to fly?” Bridgerton
Meanwhile, in the reality TV universe, we’re shown something different entirely, with contestants being fast tracked to marriage, essentially speedrunning all of the traditional building blocks of a stable relationship. So what exactly does this split in representation mean? Why the obsession with proving we don’t need to be married – or the intense desire to get there by any means? Let’s take a closer look!
Sitcoms & Romcoms Losing Interest In Marriage
Where were you when you first heard Ilana Wexler utter the iconic line
“I’m only 27, what am I, a child bride?”
But seriously – there’s been a noticeable shift in the way marriage is approached on screen, with many characters, particularly in comedies, moving away from what was once the archetypal plot progression of: meeting, overcoming some obstacle, and then finally getting your happily ever after by getting married.
There are all sorts of reasons why marriage is traditionally so highly prized – many of them religious or cultural.
“When will I be coming to your wedding?” “I’m not engaged, so you won’t be.” “You have a good job, you should be looking for a wife.” Shrill
These are often explored for comedy in shows and movies that look at young people moving away from the rigid traditions of their parents’ generations. Often in these examples, a rejection of marriage – or marriage by the standards of the parents or the community – is emblematic of the way a character is moving out on their own, or assimilating more into a life of their own making.
“Romantic love is not an ending, It’s just a part of your story.” Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
The increase in queer characters on screen might have something to do with the shift away from marriage, too. In many shows, we’ve seen an exploration of queer love, which doesn’t necessarily fit within the heteronormative binaries of marriage – and it’s refreshing to see a spectrum of relationships finally being represented on screen. But it’s also realistic. Fewer people are getting married now. For example, in Someone Great, Gina Rodriguez plays Jenny, a woman whose boyfriend breaks up with her because she gets a new job and has to move states. At the beginning of the film, we’re shown a montage of text messages chronicling their relationship – from being young and thinking she’s going to marry him to their eventual breakup nine years later. This kind of movie feels relatable to many millennials, as, according to the Pew Research Group, they’re the least-married generation ever, and much more likely to invest time and energy in their careers than settling down. As Lotte Jeffs put it for Elle Magazine, ‘the more you pick at it, the more the argument for ‘tying the knot’ seems to unravel’. So, given all of that, what on earth is going on in the reality TV world, where so many dating shows seem to have become little more than a fast-track ticket down the aisle?
Falling In Love (In Front Of An Audience…)
As a format, the dating show first emerged in the 1960s, the brainchild of Chuck Barris, who created a lot of game shows we recognise today. He was the mastermind behind The Dating Game, which was a fun play on the blind date, with singles asking each other questions from behind a screen and picking someone to take out. The format of the Dating Game proved so popular that it was exported to over twenty countries globally, and in many, it lasted for decades. Though couples rarely got married as a result, some did – a UK success story recently went viral on TikTok when Meet Cutes NYC stopped them to ask how they met.
While marriage after meeting on a game show used to be an unusual occurrence, nowadays we’re being inundated with numerous dating shows – from Married at First Sight to Love Is Blind – that have very high stakes. These shows fast track contestants to marriage, using very intense circumstances to attempt to replicate, or stand in for, the ups and downs of a longer relationship. And many of the people who apply to be on them are desperate to be married – it seems to be that marriage itself (well, marriage and enough social media followers to score some brand deals…) , rather than true love or happiness, is the end game.
“I want love, I wanna be married.” Love Is Blind
So why, exactly – when many millennials are rejecting marriage in favor of more nuanced futures – are there so many people applying to be on shows solely dedicated to going down the aisle?
Perhaps it’s down to the culture this generation grew up consuming.
“Met in an elevator. My hair came undone. Are you kidding me? I’m basically Sandra Bullock. And then it happened.” “Did the elevator just stop?” The Mindy Project
The 90s were full of movies and shows where people fell in love in heady, intense situations and drove off into the sunset together.
“That’s your problem. You don’t want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.” Sleepless in Seattle
In these examples, love was often about taming the untamable, or finding people in strange places. The whirlwind nature of these stories often made them seem even more romantic. Or else there was an idea of the romance being predestined — of there being one true love for everyone. So it’s entirely possible that the diet of far fetched romance from childhood feeds into the need for a torrid, TV worthy love story – both for audiences and contestants. Another aspect is the fact that we live in a world where we can get pretty much whatever we want pretty much instantly — and these TV shows imply that that ease can even extend to marriage.
“I’m so ready to be a wife, let’s just do it. I’m tired of answering questions. Let’s just do it. I don’t know why I’m still standing here!” Married at First Sight
In ‘Married at First Sight’, couples are matched on paper by experts and then meet each other for the very first time at the altar. It’s like television’s version of an arranged marriage. They then – if they decide to go through with the wedding – jump from being complete strangers to married and cohabitating in one fell swoop as they move in together and try to make the marriage work. Each week, the couples have to decide whether they want to stay together — and if one of the newlyweds wants to walk, the other has to agree to it. (Perhaps unsurprisingly, the majority of the marriages end in divorce.)
On ‘Love Is Blind’, contestants get 10 whole days to spend talking to members of the opposite sex without ever seeing them – their only access to each other is through the microphones and speakers connecting the pairs’ adjoining rooms. They talk about everything – from family values and finances to politics and religion – and at the end of the 10 days, many have whittled down to one person from the pool of twenty that they started with — and they agree to get married. At this point, they finally meet in person, and then spend another five weeks together deciding whether or not they’ll say yes at the altar. Some of them admit onscreen that they feel like they’re in their own fairytale romance .
“It’s because I always grew up watching movies and reading books and they always describe things like this and it’s always what i wanted and the fact that I am here… unreal is what it is.” Love is Blind
Some of the couples do get married in the end – and some success stories have stayed together (for now…) But many end up broken-hearted — making the decision that if they’re turned down at the altar, the relationship they’ve committed to is worthless. For them, it’s marriage or nothing.
“You don’t wanna pick me, someone else will… I just- I don’t know, I just am waiting for it to be my turn.” Love is Blind
The Darkness Behind The Curtain
This all collides into the central question of what really matters more: being in a stable, happy, long-term relationship, or just being married no matter what? For many of these contestants, the answer is very much the latter – they’re tired of the struggle that can come with building a real relationship, and so they’re willing to jump all in in the hopes of getting that whirlwind romcom-esque romance where things just fall together in a matter of days and what happens after you say ‘I do’ doesn’t really matter.
“I want the fairy tale.” Pretty Woman
But, of course, these kinds of shows have highlighted a number of problems – from the societal level to the individual.
In ‘Thinking Straight: The Power, Promise and Paradox of Heterosexuality’, Chrys Ingraham writes that TV like this can become ‘heterosexuality-as-spectator sport’. Ingraham was writing in 2005, before Love is Blind existed, but she accurately articulates how straight the show is, and how heterosexual marriage is still seen by so many as the pinnacle of love. In many ways, Love is Blind and Married at First Sight seem to almost provide a kind of backlash against those millennials who find joy outside of the parameters of marriage.
What’s more, the shows themselves have come under scrutiny due to numerous problems, from treating contestants terribly to lax vetting processes and matches made for entertainment rather than true love. It’s not just that the setup is inorganic — it seems that it can be seriously damaging. Several contestants have accused production companies of causing trauma. And interestingly, these more traumatic storylines often don’t make it onto the shows, perhaps because they don’t fit the narrative that it’s possible to fast track your way to true love on camera. Take Love is Blind’s Renee Poche, who Netflix tried to sue for talking openly about her experience. She counter sued them for abuse, claiming she felt like a prisoner in her time on the show. It’s a disturbing look behind the curtain at what really goes into these shows that claim to be all about helping people ‘find the one.’
CONCLUSION
Given its ubiquity for decades, it’s not surprising that for many people the idea of a rom-com perfect love story is deeply ingrained. And these romantic stories are a lot of fun to watch.
“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” When Harry Met Sally
Reality TV’s races to the altar certainly up the stakes in a way that’s perfect for the genre – but they also highlight how nonsensical it is to put a desire for marriage over the desire to have a secure and happy relationship. Regardless of how quickly you enter a marriage – whether you ran to city hall on your first date or were together for a decade before making the plunge – marriage takes work. And it’s about creating a deep and lasting bond, not just a one day party.
“Marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. Just an ending.” Sex and the City
But also, times have changed, and many people – especially millennials and Gen Z-ers – have opened themselves up to new avenues for partnerships and what love and relationships are quote-unquote “supposed” to look like. More than anything, the focus should be on everyone involved being happy, secure, and loved… even if you did just meet for the first time when you said I do!