The Struggle of Being the New Friend, Explained 😅 Friends, HIMYM, & Beyond



In a surprising number of friend groups on screen, there always seems to be the one that just isn’t quite as close as all of the others – and this usually isn’t through any fault of their own, but just due to the fact that they joined the friend group later than everyone else. Being the New Friend working your way into an already existing friend group can be difficult, and leave you feeling like no matter how well you’ve integrated into the group, they’ll always choose each other over you.

“I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go. Honey come on, you live far away, you’re not related. You lift right out.” Friends

Sometimes the New Friend is able to overcome this hurdle and truly become an equal friend with everyone else in the group, but others get left feeling like they’ll always be second best no matter what. So, let’s take a deeper look at this trope, two iconic characters that exemplify the good and bad side of the New Friend dilemma, and what it all tells us about the power of friendship.

Making friends is hard


No matter who you are, being dropped into a new, unfamiliar environment and trying to make friends is pretty much always a little tough at first. When you’re young, moving to a new school where everyone already knows each other can make it feel like you’ll never be able to really find your place or fit in. But, usually, just the fact of always being surrounded by people of a similar age going through similar experiences makes it easier to eventually find your people and form deep connections. But even then, if you do end up joining an already close knit group, it can be hard not to feel like you’re always a little bit on the outside.

And making friends as an adult is notoriously difficult – and a big reason is precisely because you don’t have that built-in group of peers you see on a regular basis (unless you only want to make friends at work…) Once you’re out on your own in the world, it becomes much harder to find the kind of regular contact that helps build true friendships, and this is why so many hold on tight to those friendships they formed in high school and college. So many adult friend groups we see on screen consist of people who’ve known each other since childhood – either as friends or relatives – or met in college. People in these kinds of set friend groups often feel like they just don’t even really want or need any more friends than they already have, and so that can make it difficult for adults who don’t already have a friend group to find one.

“Look, you’re a nice guy but I actually only have three friends. I don’t need anymore.” Seinfeld

And sometimes jealousy can even come into play, with older friends worrying that a new friend will steal away someone they care about. This can be heightened by the hierarchical nature that sometimes exists in friendships, where one feels the need to not just be a friend but the best friend, leading to them trying to push others aside (or out of the way completely.)

And even if you do manage to make your way into an existing friend group, you can still end up feeling like you’ll never really be quite as close as everyone else. They all already know each other so well, and have such a long history together and inside jokes that you’re not a part of. And, since you don’t have that same shared background as everyone else, it can also sometimes feel like they think less of you for it.

But while being the New Friend can feel pretty daunting, and sometimes disappointing, it can also lead to a wonderful world of friendship with a whole bunch of people…

Phoebe Buffay & Robin Scherbatsky

We can actually see a great example of the two sides of the New Friend dilemma in the stories of Friends’ Phoebe Buffay and How I Met Your Mother’s Robin Scherbatsky. Both start out as lively, strong-willed young women trying to find their place in New York City – a place where it’s easy to make plenty of acquaintances, but where it can often be harder to find a real, solid group of close friends. They both end up joining in on already existing friend groups, and in their differing outcomes we can begin to see the importance of cherishing friendships.

“I know we haven’t known each other that long. There are three things you should know about me: One, my friends are the most important thing in my life.” Friends

On Friends, most of the gang knew each other from growing up together or meeting in college (and, due to a bit of continuity flubbing, either met Joey when he moved in with Chandler or a couple of years earlier.) Phoebe met everyone later when she became Monica’s roommate for a time. Phoebe doesn’t come from the same background as everyone else, and because she lives off on her own and isn’t related to or dating anyone else in the group , is often made to feel like she’s ancillary. They often don’t prioritize their friendship with her – except for Joey, and even he has to be reminded to take their friendship seriously.

“When we make plans, I expect you to show up. I’m not a way to kill time till you meet someone better.” Friends

Even nine seasons in (when, by this point, she’s been a part of the friend group for over a decade) she still doesn’t feel like she’s as much as part of the group as everyone else.

“It’s just that I’ve always felt kind of like an outsider. You know, the rest of you have connections that go way back.” Friends

But Phoebe Buffay is not one to give up on the thing she wants, especially when it comes to building connections. Even if everyone else doesn’t always seem to fully appreciate her, she is always there to show care and consideration for her friends. And even though they don’t always show it as much as they should, all of the friends in the group do love and appreciate Phoebe deep down. She brings a new perspective into their lives and opens their eyes to the reality that the world is much bigger than their little bubble. And because she doesn’t have as long of a history with them, she’s actually able to see them differently than they do each other (and even than they see themselves,) which allows her to understand them in a different way, and sometimes even give them little pushes they didn’t even know they needed. While she definitely has some ups and downs in her spot as the New Friend, at the end of the day she works to build deep, lasting friendships and succeeds.

Robin Scherbatsky is not so lucky. The rest of the friends on How I Met Your Mother go way back, and we see her first meeting with the group in the series’ pilot. She’s not introduced as a potential friend so much as a love object for Ted to obsess over. While the others in the group are already pretty set in their ways and the direction their lives are headed, Robin still has big dreams and a lot she wants to accomplish.

“I don’t know where I’m going to be in five years, and I don’t want to know. I want my life to be an adventure.” How I Met Your Mother

Her main focus is on her career, which she’s willing to put everything else on hold for. While others in the gang also have demanding jobs, it’s only really framed as a huge problem for Robin. Often being busy means she doesn’t hang out with the group as often, and since she’s the love interest of two of the members of the group over the course of the show, her place in the group is usually centered on that instead of friendship. Her penchant for being a Not Like The Other Girls girl also makes it harder for her to form friendships that aren’t on some level based around her romantic attachments.

“Robin, what is it with you and women?” “They’re so annoying. I’m glad that you’re my only female friend. Girls are always whining and crying over every little thing.” How I Met Your Mother

Friendship just isn’t framed as something that really matters to Robin in the same way it does for Phoebe – but that doesn’t mean that it never bothers her to feel like she’s on the outside of the group. In the end, her story shows us what happens when you don’t really cherish your friendships or fight to make those connections – you often lose them. Because her only friendships are so tied up in her romantic relationships – with people who have been friends longer, and thus are more loyal to each other – once those romantic ties are severed, she also loses everyone as friends, too. And in the end, her happy ending isn’t getting the chance to rebuild those friendships and foster deeper connections, but just… Ted.

CH 3: The more the merrier

Both Phoebe and Robin’s stories exemplify how important it is to make sure that we cherish all of our friends and push to really build those loving, lasting connections. And that we make sure that all of our friends, old and new, feel the love. Being the New Friend jumping into an already-existing friend group can be daunting, but when it goes well, it opens you up to a whole new extended web of companionship.

“Maybe sometime the three of us could go to Rockin’ Sushi together.” “Thank you, Annie. I would love that.” Bridesmaids

Friends are such an important part of our lives, and it’s never too late to bring new ones into the fold. They can provide new avenues for connection and new perspectives that help to enhance our lives. Opening ourselves up to friendship might be a little awkward or even scary, but in the end, it’s worth it.