The term “incel” was first coined by a woman in 1997 – the original Involuntary Celibacy Project website was a forum for people of all genders and sexualities to share their struggles with sexual and romantic relationships. After the term “incel” was hijacked by men who promote misogyny and blame women and feminism for their struggles, a new term emerged: femcel. But what makes a femcel unique and different from the stereotypical male incel? And onscreen, how do we represent the angst and frustration of involuntarily celibate women in our culture?
TRANSCRIPTION
We’ve all heard of the incel—it’s a term used by men who are involuntarily celibate to describe themselves. But men aren’t the only people who experience involuntary celibacy. In fact, the term “incel” was first coined by a woman in 1997 – the original Involuntary Celibacy Project website was a forum for people of all genders and sexualities to share their struggles with sexual and romantic relationships.
Today many male incels are known for blaming women and feminism for their struggles, and some have even used those misogynist ideals to justify extremist violence. So after the term “incel” was hijacked by men who promote misogyny, a new term emerged: femcel. But what makes a femcel unique and different from the stereotypical male incel? And onscreen, how do we represent the angst and frustration of involuntarily celibate women in our culture?
Kat Stratford: “I guess, in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.” – 10 Things I Hate About You
Here’s our take on the femcel—what she’s like in real life and on screen, and what she says about female empowerment and female desire.
The central problem with the stereotypical male incel is that he blames women for not being with him, displaying a toxic entitlement and lack of self-awareness. Parts of the femcel community are also defined by the parallel problem of blaming men for their issues and engaging in misandry. There are some major similarities between incel and femcel behavior online – in fact, the femcel Reddit community, r/Trufemcels, was banned from the platform in January of 2021 during a crackdown on hate-speech on the platform.
Femcels use similar coded language to describe their experiences and observations dating – incels make fun of “Chads” and femcels make fun of “Stacys,” and both groups describe themselves as victims of “lookism.”
Ross Haenfler: “The stacy’s are the shallow, self obsessed women who only care about the looks of the chad.” – The Fifth Estate
But the femcel can also take a few different forms. Some versions of the femcel express discomfort with the way that our society views them as sexual objects and judges them according to oppressive beauty standards. Others express disappointment at how real life does not live up to the Hollywood idea of romance and family life that they’ve been conditioned to expect as automatic aspects of being a woman.
And despite some similarities to incel worldviews, there’s a major fundamental difference that makes femcels a lot less prone to falling into the same patterns of isolation and radicalization: femcels are far more likely to internalize their frustrations rather than externalize them. As Dr. Karen Wu explains in Psychology Today, gender socialization impacts how we cope with rejection – “Women may feel sad instead of angry when sexually rejected, often blaming themselves, whereas men may feel angry, blame others, and act out, sometimes harming others.”
Femcels also acknowledge the existence of incels, while many incels deny that an involuntarily celibate woman can exist. They believe it’s so much easier for women to find a sexual partner that any woman who isn’t having sex must have impossible standards.
Jerry Seinfeld- “To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit’s gonna come along and pick it up.” – Seinfeld
These differences help explain why, while incels have become so isolated and sometimes violent that they’re often seen as a villainous stereotype, the femcel has become an accessible TikTok aesthetic.
There are a lot more representations of male incels in the history of movies – either at the center of prestigious films like Taxi Driver, or as a staple of film comedies. In comedic forms, they’re often represented as dysfunctional but ultimately endearing. Andy’s involuntary celibacy in The 40 Year Old Virgin is definitely something he’s embarrassed of and something other people pity him for, but he’s also the sweetest – and sometimes smartest – male character in that movie.
Still, some powerful films and TV shows do deal – in both drama and comedy – with the loneliness and rejection that a femcel might feel. Mulholland Drive situates this in the context of Hollywood and how it degrades so many young women and disappoints their desires
Adam Kesher: “This is the girl.”
Luigi Castigliane: “Excellent choice Adam.” – Mulholland Drive
In 2022, Geoff Shullenberger wrote of the rise of “femcel noir,” which often centers on a voyeuristic female who lives alone, possibly with some kind of condition like agoraphobia or alcoholism that isolates her. She might become fascinated by a “rival family unit in which the woman seems to possess what she does not: a satisfying sexual relationship, a present husband, a child.”
Often, Shullenberger says, this character “witnesses, or believes she witnesses, the sexual betrayal and murder of the rival” and the plot is a means of her confronting her frustrated desires for a fuller domestic life or her confused feelings about not having the family society expects her to have. The classic comedic femcel archetype onscreen is often a more light-hearted version of this story.
Jake Wyler: “Guys, she’s got glasses and a ponytail. She’s got paint on her overalls! What is that?!” – Not Another Teen Movie
A character like Betty Suarez from Ugly Betty is perceived by the people around her as genuinely less desirable because of the way she looks. These characters are usually either mocked or pitied by the people around them, and when they get to experience a character arc, it’s one that emphasizes qualities like resilience and inner beauty. But sometimes their arc is also about beautifying themselves so they can get the guy.
Other times, the reason for a female character’s involuntary celibacy isn’t her looks or a man being unwilling, but the structure of society that sometimes makes women choose between personal goals and a domestic life. This version of a femcel may be a more empowered career type: women like Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan from The Help and Josie Geller from Never Been Kissed. They don’t have sexual or romantic relationships because they’ve chosen to put their ambitions first.
These characters often have something to learn about taking risks and putting themselves out there, but a happy ending for them doesn’t always mean getting the guy. At the end of The Help, Skeeter’s decision to publish her book is what ends her fledging romantic relationship with Stuart – and what lands her an exciting new job across the country.
Meanwhile, with the movement towards extremism among male incles online, we’ve started to see a new kind of male incel on screen– villains like The Joker, The Riddler in the The Batman, Jack and Frank in Don’t Worry Darling, and Todd Phelps in She Hulk: Attorney At Law. These characters are clearly inspired by the real-life online communities of radicalized young white men. Which begs the question: does the femcel movement risk heading down a similar path?
Femcel spaces online might not be as dangerous as the rabbit holes incels can fall down, but they’re not always the safest spaces either. Although most femcels are just looking for a place to commiserate over the struggles of dating and the search for intellectual and emotional connections, their conversations sometimes slip into misandry, transphobia and biological essentialism.
mrs_sandra_g: “Alexa remind me that I dont need a man and men are useless.” – TikTok
As feminist theorist Jilly Boyce Kay told the Atlantic, “These spaces do just kind of become inward-looking, very defensive, rather than about imagining radical new futures.”
But these women are also starting real conversations about difficult topics. We live in a culture that shames people for not having sex.
And the beauty industry might be getting more inclusive, but according to market research from Mintel, 25% of Gen Z consumers still feel left out of beauty advertisements. Our culture’s beauty standards hurt many women, in the dating world and beyond.
body_positive_bartender: “...My whole life changed when i started getting help for my eating disorder which resulted in weight gain after the pandemic … people don’t even look you in the eye anymore. they’re not nice. Especially men.” – TikTok
Femcels, online and on screen, create space to talk openly about women’s experiences of sexual frustration and desire. More recently, we’ve started to see this onscreen through another trope of involuntarily celibate women – women who want to have sex with a specific romantic interest but can’t. In season 2 of Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s character deals with the frustrating experience of pining after a Hot Priest who is not willing to give up his vow of chastity to the church.
Throughout the season, Fleabag expresses her desire for sexual intimacy, and also for the kind of intimate emotional connection she craves from a partner – she doesn’t just want someone to have sex with, but someone to be there for her to help her in ways that she finds difficult to help herself.
Fleabag: “ I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about.” – Fleabag
Similarly, Sheldon’s and Amy’s relationship in The Big Bang Theory sets an important model for partners dealing with mismatched libidos and shame around sexual desire. Amy is comfortable talking openly about her involuntary celibacy, her insecurities, and her sexual desires. But she’s also able to appreciate her relationship with Sheldon beyond physical intimacy. These characters reflect how our culture has become more aware of female sexuality and female desire, and they challenge us to reconsider old stereotypes about male vs. female sex drive.
The femcel doesn’t have to be someone to pity. At the very least, what we can learn from her is that it’s important to voice your concerns and be honest about what you’re looking for in a partner. After all, everyone’s sexuality is their own unique journey to navigate and figure out. It’s important to find people in your life who meet your needs – physically and emotionally – and it’s impossible to do that without introspection and open communication.
Jilly Boyce Kay observed when speaking to the Atlantic that many femcels are actively rejecting heterosexual dating in a system that doesn’t work for them, and “finding joy and intimacy in other ways” by “focusing on other areas of life which are not to do with romance and sex.”
Especially in our culture, where conversations about sex and sexuality, especially for women, can be fraught and shameful, talking about our frustrations and anxieties can help break down barriers to connection that we all need.
Sources:
Alexander, Fisher. “The Incel is the Greatest Villain of 2022.” Collider, 29 Oct. 2022,
https://collider.com/incel-greatest-villain-2022-dont-worry-darling-the-batman-she-hulk/
Aronowitz, Nona Willis. “The Femcel Revolution.” Elle, Hearst Magazine Media, 1 Sept. 2021, https://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/a37288143/0168-0169-the-femcel-revolution-september-2021/.
Bertera, Arianna. “Femcel: female involuntary celibacy.” Visualeyed, 23 Oct. 2020, https://visualeyed.com/d-stories/article/femcel-female-involuntary-celibacy/.
Brace, Lewys. “A Short Introduction To The Involuntary Celibate Sub-Culture.” Centre for Research and Evidence on Security Threats, 26 Aug. 2021, https://crestresearch.ac.uk/resources/a-short-introduction-to-the-involuntary-celibate-sub-culture/.
“Demand for inclusivity in beauty gets louder: 25% of Gen Z feel left out of beauty advertisements.” Mintel, 17 May 2022,
Do Couto, Sarah. “Femcels: Inside the enigmatic subculture of involuntary celibate women.” Global News, 2 Feb. 2023, https://globalnews.ca/news/9449316/femcel-definition-social-media-sex-gender-incels/.
“Elliot Rodger: How misogynist killer became ‘incel hero’.” BBC, 26 Apr. 2018,
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-43892189
Fong, Gigi. “Are Femcels the New Incels?” Hypebae, 10 May 2022, https://hypebae.com/2022/5/femcels-incels-meaning-celibacy-sex-feminism-misandry.
Gaitskill, Mary. “The year of the femcel.” UnHerd, 31 Oct. 2022, https://unherd.com/2022/10/the-year-of-the-femcel/.
Lanigan, Roisin. “Are you a femcel?” i-D, Vice Media Group, 16 June 2022, https://i-d.vice.com/en/article/3adzn9/femcel.
Schofield, Daisy. “Inside the online ‘safe space’ for female incels.” Huck Magazine, 29 Mar. 2021,
https://www.huckmag.com/art-and-culture/tech/inside-the-online-safe-space-for-femcels/
Shullenberger, Geoff. “The Rise of Femcel Noir.” First Things, Oct. 2022, https://www.firstthings.com/article/2022/10/the-rise-of-femcel-noir
Taylor, Jim. “The woman who founded the ‘incel’ movement.” BBC, 30 Aug. 2018, https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-45284455
Tiffany, Kaitlyn. “What Do Female Incels Really Want?” The Atlantic, 12 May 2022, https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2022/05/femcel-meaning-female-incel-reddit/629836/.
Wu, Karen. “How Do Femcels and Incels Differ?” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 14 Nov. 2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-modern-heart/202211/how-do-femcels-and-incels-differ.