Samantha Jones is a self-assured and self-reliant icon who put the sex in Sex and the City.
“Hello, my name is fabulous.”
Samantha has always been a fan favorite, but during the show’s run she was often framed as the most out there one of the bunch – someone you’d want to be friends with but not necessarily be. But looking back, Samantha was right about so many things, even if she got flack for it at the time. And while she certainly wasn’t perfect, she offers a number of important lessons about building the life you want and staying true to yourself no matter what.
“Yeah, I am harsh. I’m also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient and always right. In bed, at the office, and everywhere else.”
So let’s take a look back at Samantha’s outlook on life and love and how she was way ahead of the curve.
Relationships should be fun (& there’s nothing wrong with being single)
Unlike her friends, Samantha doesn’t see relationships as a goal or something she has to slog through just because – she has fun playing the field, and isn’t afraid of being single. In our video on why Charlotte was wrong about love (but right to believe in it!) we analyzed how attached she was to so many made-up rules about how a woman has to behave if she has any hope of ‘winning’ the guy of her dreams. She (at first) sees marriage to the perfect guy as the true end-goal of her life – her job, and friends, and life all just filler until she got the true ‘happy ending’: being a wife and mother. But over time she comes to learn what Samantha already knew: there are no rules that you can follow to magically end up with the “perfect” relationship, and men shouldn’t be the sole focus of your life.
“The right guy is an illusion, you understand that? Start living your lives!”
In fact, for Samantha, a lot of the guys she dates are barely even a part of the periphery of her life…
“It’s over! I told my wife!” “Who is this?” “I’m in love with you! Now we can be together!” “No no no no.”
It’s not that Samantha doesn’t like dating and relationships, she just comes at them from a very different point of view. To her, they should enhance the life that you already love. You shouldn’t have to change yourself to try to fit into the mold of what you think some guy is going to fall in love with. He should love you for who you are. And love doesn’t even have to always be on the table; there’s nothing wrong with just having a good time.
“Sex is something special that is supposed to happen between two people who love each other.” “Or two people who love sex.”
Because she’s confident in who she is and what she wants out of life, she doesn’t feel like she’s missing something and needs a man to “complete” her.
At the time, due to her sexual freedom and desire to not be tied down (at least, not matrimonially,) for much of the audience Samantha seemed to fall into more of a ‘person I’d want to be friends with but wouldn’t want to be’ slot. But over time, it’s become clear that really Samantha had the healthiest outlook of the four friends, and is often the one that modern audiences are most drawn to.
Not being desperate for a relationship didn’t mean she was sad and alone, just the opposite in fact.
“Marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy ending, just an ending.”
Samantha had several deep relationships over the course of the show – and, importantly, unlike her friends also knew when it was time to let things go and move on. Relationships should complement your life, not drag it down, and Samantha was well aware of that. But that knowledge also led to some issues…
Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself
As an outspoken, self-confident woman, Samantha was no stranger to pushback.
“If I worried what every bitch in new york was saying about me I’d never leave the house.”
As a power player in New York City, owning her own PR firm, she has to deal with it in the business world. But her free and open sex life means she’s also often judged by society. And worst of all, it often gets her criticized by even her closest friends. But thankfully Samantha won’t be made to feel small by anyone. She’s not afraid to take people down a peg when they treat her poorly, and she also has no problem letting her friends know when they’ve crossed the line.
Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte often remark on how they would never behave the way Samantha does. They, on the surface, pretend to be accepting of modern women’s liberation and sexual freedom, but they clearly judge Samantha for being quote-unquote “easy.”
“Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks? Because it should be! It’s the hottest spot in town. It’s always open!”
They’re often happy to hear about her escapades or run to her for advice, but deep down they clearly resent something about her freedom (often they’re just upset that they’re too afraid to allow themselves that same level of freedom,) and on occasion it bubbles to the surface. With Charlotte it’s not so surprising, since the characters are deliberately set as foils to one another – the Madonna and the whore. But it is surprising how often sex columnist Carrie has a problem with the fact that Samantha has a lot of sex.
“For a sex columnist, you have a limited view of sexuality.”
But Samantha never let some snotty attitudes shake the core of her being – and her biggest blowup to one of Carrie’s rude comments lead to one of the show’s most iconic lines:
“And I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want, as long as I can breathe and kneel.”
Be a good friend
Even though her friends weren’t always so kind to her, Samantha herself was a good and loyal friend. While they might have been quick to judge her for her life choices, she was always able to look deeper and understand what was going on with her friends – and was there to help them instead of look down on them.
“Don’t you wanna judge me, just a little bit?” “Not my style.”
And a big part of being there for her friends was helping them to accept themselves in the way she did. She wouldn’t let society walk all over her, and she certainly wasn’t going to let it happen to any of her friends, either.
“Oh, so, now you support women in the arts?” “I support you, and, honey, these bitches need to be put in their places.”
And her willingness to tell the truth when others might feel the need to sugarcoat it often helped push her friends in the right direction (even if they didn’t always want to hear it.) She’s able to inspire confidence in her friends, and help them to unlock new parts of themselves they didn’t even know they had. And she always has their backs no matter what.
One delightful moment of friendship – and growth – happens between total opposites Charlotte and Samantha in season 3’s “Frenemies.” Charlotte is concerned that her new husband Trey won’t have sex with her, and Samantha is very, well, Samantha in her advice.
“Why do you always have to talk about sex like that?” “Because I can.” “Ok, girls. Simmer down, mommy hasn’t had her caffeine yet.”
The pair fight until Charlotte storms off (and when Samantha realizes that Carrie and Miranda agree with Charlotte, she storms off as well.) But over the course of the episode, the pair come to realize that they aren’t as different as they might have imagined – and have even learned some things from one another over the course of their friendship. Samantha is surprised to learn that she actually does have a tiny bit of a Charlotte side when a new friend is too overtly sexual even for her. And Charlotte ends up following the Samantha-approved path to seduction – and finds success at last.
“Hello?” “Well, he f*cked me!” “Oh honey, that’s great! I knew you could do it!” “Thanks!”
Be open to new things
Samantha Jones is notoriously up for anything.
“I’m a try-sexual. I’ll try anything once.”
This, of course, applies to her sex life, but also to the rest of her life, too. The friends live in the heart of New York City, but Samantha is the one that really makes the most of living in such a vibrant place. She makes sure that she and her friends are on every VIP list, at the opening of every new restaurant, and loves to meet and mingle with all of the interesting people the city has to offer. She’s not afraid to try new things – whether it’s a questionable new dish from a famous chef or an entirely new life experience. Her friends are significantly less flexible, but even just tagging along with Sam opens them up to whole new worlds.
While the show as a whole had an pretty outdated view of sexuality (even for the time) that’s aged even worse. Samantha was ahead of the curve in many ways.
“Soon everyone will be pansexual. It won’t matter if you’re gay or straight.”
She had to come up against her friends’ judgment yet again when she began dating Brazilian artist Maria.
“This isn’t about gay or straight. Maria is an incredible woman who’s passionate got intelligence and talent.” “A vagina?” “Oh vagina schmagina.”
And even though Maria doesn’t end up being the one, being willing to be open to the relationship changes her life. Regardless of what her friends think, Samantha grows a lot from her relationship – even becoming kind of comfortable with the idea of monogamy, something she really never thought she’d be into.
Put yourself first
All of the things that make Samantha great stem from the fact that she’s willing to put herself first. No man, or woman, or job, or amount of judgment will force her to change who she is or stop her from living the life she wants to live.
“Faced with her own inadequacies, Samantha did something only Samantha could do. She threw an l-don’t-have-a-baby shower to let everyone know she was fabulous.”
She knows that not only is loving yourself and being confident in your choices a good thing, it’s the only way to really build a happy life.
One of her biggest lessons to her friends (and us) is that you shouldn’t stay in situations that make you miserable – sometimes you just have to let go of things that seem “nice” but are holding you back from truly living your best life. She pushes her friends to drop relationships that aren’t serving them anymore but that they feel compelled to stay in, because she doesn’t want her friends to get trapped by society’s expectations and end up missing out on what they really want.
“Sweetheart, you can’t go listening to every little f*cking voice that runs through your head, it’ll drive you nuts.”
And she doesn’t just talk the talk – while her relationship with Smith is for a long time very loving and fulfilling, after she moves across the country to be with him and help his career, she realizes that things have changed. She still loves him and cherishes their time together, but she knows that to be true to herself, she has to move on.
“I love you, but I love me more.”
She felt like she had begun to change herself to fit into a mold that she didn’t belong in just to try to keep their relationship working, and in the end she realized that that wasn’t the right choice for her.
“I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.”
Putting yourself first can be difficult and even scary, requiring you to step out into an unknown that you might have to face all by yourself. But in the end standing up for herself and not letting herself trapped in someone else’s story is worth it.
CONCLUSION
Every character on Sex and the City is relatable and loveable in their own way, and their friendship is what made the show truly sparkle.
“Men, babies, doesn’t matter. We’re soulmates.”
But Samantha Jones continues to stand out for her attitude and outlook on life – and as time goes on, it becomes more and more clear that she had the right idea (most of the time…) She, like Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte, learned and grew a lot over the course of the show, but she never let go of the core of who she was or let anyone force her to become something she’s not. In the same way Samantha inspired her friends, she continues to inspire us to be our best selves and go after what we want, even if we might have to deal with a little judgment along the way.
“Hello, 9-1-1-? I’m on fire.”