Valentine’s Day is back again with a rosy pink vengeance – and what better way to celebrate (or bemoan) this holiday of love than watching your favorite rom-com or romantic period drama?
“You have bewitched me body and soul.” Pride & Prejudice
Love stories have prevailed for centuries across cultures and continents. We love them because they’re comforting, trope-y, and show an ideal kind of romance we fantasize about, but will likely never experience (or be able to afford in real life…) One major romance trope film and TV just can’t get enough of is the romantic grand gesture. Typically given by men, these grand displays of love are portrayed as the ultimate declaration to win a woman’s love or forgiveness on screen. From filling a room with candles to orchestrating a flash mob proposal, there are some wild romantic gestures in media that are so unrealistic they’re almost laughable… Still, we crave them nonetheless. Let’s take a minute to unpack some of the most ridiculous dates and grand gestures in film and TV, who gets to experience them, and why this trope often conveys the wrong message about love.
THE COSTLY ART OF ROMANTIC DECLARATIONS
We’ve covered the Rom-Com formula from whimsical meet-cutes to lifelong best friends, fake relationships, to opposites attract. While these stories vary in characters and circumstances, they all share a familiar trope: the romantic grand gesture where one character, typically the emotionally unavailable guy, declares his love – with the help of a Hollywood budget – to get the girl. We often see this when the guy messes up, and the only way to get the girl to speak to him is by doing something over the top or public. An iconic example is when Patrick in 10 Things I Hate About You crashes Kat’s soccer practice, making Kat and every viewer blush in the process. From hacking the PA system to getting the entire school band to accompany him, 17-year-old Patrick pulls off quite a feat (and it works!)
While Patrick’s stunt might be pretty possible to pull off with a bit of charm and coordination, many of movie and tv’s recurring grand gestures are actually surprisingly out of reach for the average person if you really think about them. We’ve all seen that classic move where the guy sends his love interest hundreds of flower bouquets, filling her house or office to the brim with beautiful blooms. While this gesture is undoubtedly romantic, the reality of filling a room with flowers is an extravagant expense. The average price for a bouquet of flowers is between 50 to 60 dollars each, and that’s pre-tax and delivery service… so filling an entire room (and a tv apartment sized room at that) with like 100 bouquets is probably out of the price range of most people.
“Oh my god!” “You wanted hearts and flowers.” “Oh my god!” Fifty Shades Darker
(But, of course, the over-the-top nature of it is what makes it so fun to see on screen!)
One perfect example of this trope is in the film Big Fish: Edward Bloom, a circus performer, buys 10,000 daffodils and plants them outside Sandra’s home, a woman he barely knows. Big Fish is a tale of fiction told through the eyes of Bloom, who has a tendency toward “tall tales,” and so the fantasy is the emotional texture of the story. It’s a perfect example of how romantic grand gestures are often the product of fiction taking root inside people’s imaginations.
NOT YOUR AVERAGE DATE
In the realm of film and TV, romance is an art form that, if done right, will live on in viewers’ imaginations forever. There’s a reason some of the most famous movies in history revolve around a great romance. And the grand gesture is an art form in and of itself – outside of the several thousand dollars worth of flowers, another way these grand displays often appear on screen is the wildly charming, often quirky first date or anniversary. How can we forget Tom and Summer’s IKEA date where they play house together? Or Jessie and Celene’s fateful meeting on a train to Vienna?
“You’re on holiday?” “Uh…I don’t really know what I’m on. You know?” Before Sunrise
Cute rom-com dates can certainly vary in degree of attainability. Any of us could flirt in IKEA (although the banter might lack a certain movie-magic charm…) Most rom-com dates require some pretty special circumstances that aren’t totally unobtainable, but still not something everyone can just go out and do – like taking a train across Europe or meeting someone at a summer residence in the countryside.
“That sounds different, did you change it?” “Well I changed it a little bit.” “Why?” “I just played it the way Liszt would have played it if he’d altered Bach’s version.” Call Me By Your Name
And then you have those dates that are so extravagant, only someone incredibly wealthy could even have the hope of pulling it off. These fictional dates have become so influential in our cultural consciousness that they can often disillusion people in real life. They can lead to over-the-top expectations of what a first date or anniversary “should” look like, which can unsurprisingly lead to some major disappointment.
THE EPIC HOLLYWOOD PROPOSAL
But what’s arguably even more popular than rom-com dates are epic movie and TV proposals. From The Wedding Singer to Chandler and Monica’s iconic slow-burn engagement [Friends 6x25 18:47], couples have taken inspiration from Hollywood for decades. Proposals are widely considered to be the ultimate declaration of love and commitment between two individuals – and they often involve an element of surprise and wow factor to amp up the emotional intensity of the moment. While there have certainly been all kinds of creative proposals in real life, Hollywood tends to take things to a whole new level.
“Wherever you are in the world, that’s where I belong.” Crazy Rich Asians
It’s understandable why Hollywood favors epic proposals, they’re a great way to deliver stunning visual and emotional moments on screen.
“You must say it properly I won’t answer unless you kneel down and everything.” “Lady Mary Crawley, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Downton Abbey
We’ve often spent an entire film (or multiple entire seasons of a show) waiting for these two people to finally make the leap – so seeing them do so in such beautiful if over-the-top ways can be super fulfilling. But, just like with dates and grand gestures, these mega proposals (and mega rocks!) have cemented some pretty inaccessible ideas about what “love” is into the public consciousness. Do proposals have to be extravagant to be considered romantic? Of course not! But that doesn’t stop people from buying an engagement ring worth a year’s salary… only to end up fighting about not being able to afford a place to live after the wedding. The trope of ‘the size of the diamond tells you how much he really loves you’ was a staple in romance on screen for decades, but as times (and finances) have changed, so too has this cliche. As senior analyst Anusha Couttigane puts it, millennials and Gen Z “are now prioritizing other things such as weddings, housing and the cost of having children, rather than splashing out on a really expensive ring.”
Despite shifts in generational values, the epic Hollywood proposal still inspires romantic grand gestures to this day While these displays of love might be out of reach for many of us in real life, that doesn’t stop us from enjoying them on screen (as long as we don’t let them set our expectations for the real world.)
“There should be a thousand yellow daisies, and candles, and a horse, and I don’t know what the horse is doing there unless you’re riding it, which seems a little over-the-top.” Gilmore Girls
THE DARKER SIDE OF GRAND GESTURES
As we mentioned before, grand romantic gestures in film and TV are often given by men, usually to make up for bad behavior. Rom-Coms have toyed with this trope over the years by switching the gender [Trainwreck, Amy’s dance 1:56:04], but the message has stayed the same: if you wrong the person you love, you need to do something BIG to win them back. Romantic grand gestures are so popular in the media they sometimes get re-enacted in real life. And while acts of devotion can be thoughtful and very sweet [Gilmore Girls 5x11, Lorelai: You made me an ice rink. Luke: You set the rink in a box, fill it up with water, it’s not a big deal 40:00], there is unfortunately a darker side to grand gestures that is worth discussing.
One is the grand apology, whether it be flowers, chocolates, or a spontaneous weekend getaway, on screen one big (and often expensive) show of remorse is often all it takes for all to be forgiven, no matter how messed up the bad deed actually was. This can cause problems when couples take these cues from the media and apply them in real life to try to smooth things over after a fight. In doing so, the root issues in the relationship get buried temporarily, growing deeper and more invasive each day. Using grand gestures as a crutch can also cause financial stress in relationships, and even create a power imbalance when one partner is always spending money on gifts for the other only to then turn that around as a show of proof that they’re not really that bad.
Grand gestures in the early days of a relationship can also be a major red flag. As we talked about in our recent video on the trope on screen, “Love bombing” is a psychological term that Dr. Chitra Raghavan describes as someone in a relationship, “typically male but not exclusively,” who “showers the other person with attention, affection, compliments, flattery, and essentially creates this context where she feels like she’s met her soulmate and it’s effortless.” But in reality, the person doing the love bombing is using emotional manipulation to assert control in the relationship.
“You’re also really beautiful, and you love maths, I love maths. You’re like my dream girl, basically.” Sex Education
In 2021, singer/songwriter FKA twigs sat down with Gayle King to discuss her relationship with actor Shia LaBeouf. Her bravery and openness helped raise awareness about love bombing and other red flags to watch out for.
“In the beginning, he would actually jump over the fence where I was staying and leave flowers, poems, and books outside my door, and I thought it was very romantic, but that quickly changed. You know, I understand now that that’s testing your boundaries.” FKA Twigs
In less extreme cases, it’s understandable why people use grand gestures to quickly earn their partner’s forgiveness or reignite the spark in a relationship, but what’s even more romantic is when a couple actually puts in the work to understand each other better and show up consistently.
GRAND GESTURES: WHO GETS TO EXPERIENCE THEM?
When we think about the grand gesture trope, we need to ask ourselves which couples in film and TV come to mind. It’s no secret that Hollywood has historically favored love stories between men and women, and for the majority, white couples. In 1961, the world saw one of the first Black rom-coms, Paris Blues, starring Sidney Poitier and Diahann Carroll. The film takes place during the American Civil Rights Movement, and the French/American couple contemplate the dire stakes of moving back to America.
“You stick around Paris for a day and stretch a bit. Sit down for lunch somewhere without getting clubbed for it, and you’ll wake up one day, look across the ocean, and say ‘who needs it?’” Paris Blues
It wasn’t until the late 80s/early 90s that Hollywood began to invest in Black rom-coms without the need to show Black suffering. These films finally showed Black couples wrestling with their own individual problems instead of just societal ones, and gave us iconic scenes with romantic gestures that will make you weak in the knees.
“Cause for the first time since I can remember, I didn’t have you to share my life with.” Brown Sugar
Still, many Black rom-coms, despite their popularity, aren’t talked about in the mainstream. One film in particular that hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves, despite earning several BAFTA nominations, is the colorful rom-com Rye Lane, which follows two young adults reeling from bad breakups who connect over the course of an eventful day in South London.
“You know, I can see you as a mommy’s boy.” “My already fragile ego takes another blow.” Rye Lane
Not only is the film a triumph of representation, it even pays homage to the grand gesture so many rom-com fans know and love.
“Why are you on a fucking boat?” “Because I figure you deserve the grand gestures for once!” Rye Lane
The rom-com genre has become much more diverse across the board in recent years, notably for the LGBTQ+ community. Billy Eichner’s film Bros garnered lots of attention for being the first gay rom-com backed by a major studio. However, there is something to be desired about Bros, especially given Eichner’s claim that the film marks a “historic” milestone for queer people. As J. Bryan Lowder puts it, “For all the film’s forthrightness about Grindr-speak and poppers and that awkward guy who always invites himself to the orgy… its main romantic arc follows familiar straight paths and leaves us in a pretty conventional place.” This take is interesting when you think about a rom-com trope like the grand gesture, which, in a sense, was invented by straight people because straight people have always been allowed to display their love publicly. Joel Kim Booster’s rom-com Fire Island actually premiered before Bros but received less attention, which ironically fits the message of the story that examines the socio-economic discrimination gay men of color experience on a regular basis.
“I really thought every house on the island had a hot tub.” “Yeah, I know, it’s crazy, right? We have a GoFundMe set up, so fingers crossed, though.”
The film has its own big grand gesture, with the entire friend group commandeering a water taxi to chase down Howie so that Charlie can finally profess his love – and it’s a heartwarming display of the power of love and friendship.
Both Rye Lane and Fire Island accomplished something that Hollywood needs a lot more of. They gave us something fresh and long overdue while paying tribute to the beloved classics that came before, honoring the universal need to be loved and seen without erasing diverse experiences.
CONCLUSION
At the end of the day, a trope is a story device to pull an audience into a fictional character’s world. Filmmakers return to these cliches because they give people comfort and a sense of hope to combat the unpredictable whirlwind that is real life. Rom-coms and Romance films have prevailed as long as they have because they speak to a universal need to be seen and chosen by another person – we want someone to want us so badly that they would humiliate themselves in public or plan the perfect date because they listen when we speak and know what we dream about.
What would happen if we saw love as a daily choice to show up for another person instead of some mythical force holding our hearts hostage? Or if grand gestures on film and TV weren’t necessitated by means but by thoughtfulness with respect for people’s boundaries? To quote the late bell hooks’, from her 1999 book All About Love, “Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment. As John Welwood reminds us in Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love, ‘dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love—which is to transform us.’ ”