Is it time to retire the word “toxic”? The word “toxic” itself has become a buzzword – that’s even become an integral part of our channel’s vernacular. But it’s beginning to feel like the word is losing its meaning. If everything is toxic, then nothing is… You don’t have to look far online these days to find hordes of advice telling you how to cut toxic people out of your life. But the problem is that this oversimplified advice is very black and white, and at its worst conflates behavior that you may personally find annoying with genuine abuse. It also assumes all relational problems are a one-way street, and doesn’t allow for any self-examination.

Transcript

INTRO

Is it time to retire the word “toxic”?

You don’t have to look far online these days to find hordes of advice telling you how to cut toxic people out of your life. It’s a Marie Kondo approach to socializing. Do these people spark joy? Have they outlasted their use? Lose them. But the problem is that this oversimplified advice is very black and white, and at its worst conflates behavior that you may personally find annoying with genuine abuse. It also assumes all relational problems are a one-way street, and doesn’t allow for any self-examination

Principal Skinner: “Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are wrong.”

-The Simpsons Season 5, Episode 20

The Atlantic’s Kaitlyn Tiffany – a critic of the practice of only keeping what relationships serve you and discarding the rest says “The message—implied if not always stated outright—is that other people are simply not my problem.”

The word “toxic” itself has become a buzzword – that’s even become an integral part of our channel’s vernacular. But it’s beginning to feel like the word is losing its meaning. Toxic relationship. Toxic friendship. Toxic work culture. Toxic masculinity. If everything is toxic, then nothing is.

Here’s our take on why we need to stop labeling things we just disagree with as toxic, and why instead of swiftly cutting people out, we should stop to reflect and engage more.

CHAPTER ONE: THE DAWN OF TOXICITY

So, when did everything become so toxic? In 2018, The Oxford Dictionary chose “toxic” as its word of the year. And at the time, it was toxic masculinity that was in the spotlight. While the term has been around since the 1980s, it became a mainstream phrase – that hasn’t left our vernacular – in the mid-to-late 2010s. The #MeToo movement was at its peak. Donald Trump – the epitome of the catchall phrase – ran on and won the presidency with a tough-guy bully act. Which also led to Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court. The allegations about his sexual assault of Christine Blasey Ford, brought to focus a culture that defines manhood as being violent and aggressive. There was an explosion of incel forums online – men who, instead of addressing their own psychological woes from being sexually rejected – turned to violence against women.

Calling out these incredibly harmful manifestations of toxic masculinity like sexual harassment and domestic violence was and is vital. But critics view it as an all-out attack on men – leaving no room for the good parts of manhood. And the crusade against toxic masculinity – like so many things that get the label “toxic” has, over time, fallen to oversimplification.

While, as a culture, we were quick to label things “toxically masculine” without offering many solutions and we’ve overlooked the cultural and political conditions for men that have sustained the problem.

The same could be said of our one-sided view of toxic relationships. It turns away from moments of tension, instead of trying to navigate through them. Therapists describe this aspect of relationships as “rupture and repair” — the idea that if two people hit a brick wall together, they should try and work through it together, making that relationship stronger in the process.

We see this concept explored in The Bear. Carmy – who’s gotten the advice to do the polar opposite of rupture and repair…

Carmen Berzatto: “Just remove myself from any situation that is, or could become, toxic.”- The Bear Season 1, Episode 3

is trying to navigate a chaotic new environment that is undeniably toxic. He’s constantly arguing with his family, his chefs don’t respect him, he’s having nightmares, work is hell. But instead of taking the easy way out by selling the restaurant to his uncle, he slowly attempts to mend these relationships, hoping it will mend the business at the same time. It’s not a simple process, in fact, it’s pretty painful at times, but ultimately, it brings everyone closer together.

Conflict is a natural, healthy part of life – we just need to learn how to overcome it while staying connected.

CHAPTER TWO: THE INTERNET VS REAL LIFE

One explanation for this inclination to cut toxic people out cold turkey is that we’ve become accustomed to modeling that behavior online. We can easily block and move on when we don’t like what someone says. And this may be an important tool for safety and wellbeing online, but if we bring that into real life, it could seriously harm our ability to connect.

It feels like we’re still navigating the issue of having dual citizenship in the real world and on the internet. It’s undeniable that people act differently online, in fact, the so-called ‘disinhibition effect’ can encourage people to act meaner online than they would in-real-life. Ironically, researchers call this ‘toxic disinhibition’. There’s a “de-personalization” that happens online too, with our selves reduced to avatars and words on a page, so it sometimes does feel like you’re not really interacting with a person. Coupled with the fact that – as Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker once described – social media is gamified. And so our communication online isn’t designed to connect with other people, but instead to gain attention. To win the game.

This “game” has become a toxic rhetoric machine. As soon as something starts to become popular – usually at someone else’s expense – everyone jumps on it – because that’s where the likes, retweets, and comments come from. The toxic discourse has tons of overlap with cancel culture, which started as the concept of holding our public figures accountable for harmful behavior – but has morphed into the idea that we have an obligation to cancel everyone or everything that causes us discomfort. It also feeds into a very binary, black and white view of the world that is well-modeled by social media. Follow or unfollow. Friend or unfriend. Block or move on.

The problem is that now, data shows that the average internet user spends more than 40% of their day online, and so this internet language and internet behavior is creeping into the real world.

Matt Trent: “You ever been blocked? Drives you crazy, once they hit that button that’s it, you’re locked out, end of conversation.”- “Black Mirror” White Christmas

Dr. Anna Lembke argues that this addiction we now have to smartphones and instant gratification means we’re “losing our capacity to delay gratification, solve problems and deal with frustration and pain in its many different forms.” Apply this to relationships and we see how easily labeling something as “toxic” gives us an excuse to disengage with zero responsibility – and that the Internet will actually validate us for it.

So while social media is supposed to be bringing people together, actually it’s driving us apart.

CHAPTER THREE: IS IT HARDER TO CONNECT?

We’re in the midst of a loneliness epidemic. A 2021 study revealed that Americans had fewer friends that ever before, with nearly half reporting having only three or fewer close friends And post-Covid, society is rapidly losing spaces that are conducive to relationship building. So-called third spaces — ones that are neither home nor work — were off-limits for much of the pandemic, and research shows that these places are essential for social cohesion and building community.

“These are places where people can exchange ideas, have a good time, and build relationships.”- Vox

The pandemic forced us all to radically reframe our social lives. Friendships were scaled back and relationships of all kinds that were already vulnerable or distant were trimmed off. During the two or so years shuttered inside, people took stock of what relationships were really serving them or worthy of reconnection once they got out. So our propensity to cut people out of our lives was only reinforced in the past few years. A study from 2022 found “significant declines in extroversion, openness, agreeableness and conscientiousness in 2021/2022 compared with before the pandemic.”

And this toxic rhetoric has expanded beyond relationships and masculinity toward a more all encompassing mantra on how to live our lives. There’s advice on how to spot a toxic social media account, how to survive a toxic coworker, and how to recognize and call out a toxic work environment.

Some of this is helpful, because it allows us to draw boundaries and acknowledge bad practice, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all strategy. Sometimes there’s value in not only navigating these environments and relationships, but also striving to improve them. We could argue that the work environment at Abbott Elementary is a toxic one: it’s underfunded, the staff are underappreciated, and Principal Ava is more interested in her own success than the success of the school. But rather than quitting, Janine’s passion for the greater good, and the impact the school could have, begins to filter through. The team begins to come together to create a better environment for everyone – most importantly, for their students.

OUTRO

There may be times when it is better to cut someone out of your life – but an absolutist approach that divides people into toxic and non-toxic ignores how complex people, and relationships are the majority of the time. Being self-righteous in this way steers us away from seeing nuance and using compassion and understanding.

By ridding ourselves of anything the moment it becomes “toxic” we not only leave zero room for what it means to be human – we lose the opportunity to repair relationships – which often gives us a chance to rebuild stronger ones.

We can still be firm in deciding what we want from our lives, and who we want to spend our lives with, but if we take a minute before hitting that proverbial block button, we may find that we’re more open to change than we might have thought.

Carmen Berzatto: “I’m sorry, you’re right, I wanna know how you’re feeling. How are you feeling?”- The Bear Season 1, Episode 6