The Best Phil’s-osophy Lessons Are…
We start laughing at Phil Dunphy’s parenting in episode one of Modern Family. He tells us “I’m a cool dad… that’s ma thing. I’m hip.” And it’s funny because right away, we know that Phil isn’t cool, in the traditional sense of the word. It’s reinforced over and over again that he’s incredibly nerdy, with slightly weird interests and goofy tendencies. And yet over 11 seasons, we come to agree with him. He might not be a cool guy, but he is a cool dad. He’s a new, better revamp of the “bumbling dad” trope, and in the years since Modern Family ended we can see this Cool Dad legacy expanding through new iterations.
So here are Phil Dunphy’s seven lessons on how to ace parenting – by making it fun, gentle, and packed with ‘Phil’s-osophy’.
Embrace your inner nerd
Hear us out: Phil’s uncoolness is… actually cool. No, we don’t specifically mean the cheerleading or the magic. But the fact that he’s maintained such varied interests long into adulthood is an important part of his parenting persona.
Hollywood is packed wall-to-wall with bumbling dad characters – guys who sit back and crack open a beer and let their wives do all the childcare (or sometimes take care of them too). That’s not Phil. He pursues his interests, from tech to tightrope walking. And that gives his kids really important lessons – on not giving up, on finding joy in everyday things and being brave.
Always Be Present
From cartoon characters like Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin to sitcom favorites like Ross Geller, the bumbling dad is traditionally a punchline – though in more dramatic looks like Tully, the useless, video game-addicted father represents something sinister about how we let postpartum women down. Phil might seem to be bumbling on the surface - take his attempt at smooth-talking Claire when they’re roleplaying, and accidentally insulting her – but there’s something very important that sets him apart from other bumbling dads onscreen: his presence. Phil is always physically around - for Claire and for the kids. And he’s mentally present: he connects with all three of his children on their level. He takes time out of whatever it is he’s doing, to make sure his kids are comfortable. This “dad who plays” has been taken further as an archetype since Phil in examples like Bluey’s Dad, Bandit. He’s the modern kids show update to what Phil showed us: the most important thing kids really want from their parents is simple but hard – to be there and make fun moments.
Be Serious But Open
Phil and Claire have a classic good cop-bad cop dynamic - and Phil gets the easy ride. He’s the fun parent. But part of his character arc is that he comes to accept that he has the easy ride. He doesn’t have to change into a disciplinarian but he does need to balance fun with setting boundaries. And being the fun parent doesn’t mean he shirks being serious when he has to be. In Phil’s case, he’s forthcoming with important advice for his kids - and he’s unafraid to share his raw emotions, too.
This puts Phil in a different category to many other onscreen dads. In movies from The Little Mermaid to Meet the Parents, fathers are shown to flex their authority and treat their daughters, particularly, like pure, virginal princesses. They’ll act terrifyingly to “protect” their little girls. But Phil acknowledges that his children are human – capable of making mistakes, and their own decisions, too. Phil does step up to protect his children too – but in a warmer, more emotionally open way. One of Phil’s most spectacular parenting moments is when Haley is trying to get a rise out of both her parents with a gross older guy. Claire’s parenting playbook is passed down from her dad - and that means she calls her kids’ bluff. But Phil isn’t like Jay - he’s much more sensitive, and he needs his children to know he loves and supports them. Actually, that’s a super important thing for kids to know. Often, when they’re trying to push their parents’ buttons, children are looking for the security of boundaries. We see this at the end of the scene. Claire’s right – Haley does come back. But Phil doesn’t know – and is livid that his gut instinct, to protect his child, has been overridden.
So what makes him a great dad is this combination of fun, boundaries, and openness that provides his children with a sense of respect.
Perfect your Parenting Peerenting
It’s played as a joke, but Phil describes his style of parenting as “peerenting”. Actually, according to psychologists, this is a great strategy. Speaking to your child as though they’re an equal builds their self-esteem – and their trust in you, which in turn means they’re more likely to let you guide them.
And many of Phil’s parenting strategies appear on Unicef’s list of ‘ways to talk to your teen’. He communicates with his kids through what’s interesting to them. So, for example, he finds out Alex is unhappy at college, he taps into her competitive nature and fierce intellect and makes her take on a trivia challenge with him. And he listens to and validates their emotions.
Learn From Your Own Experiences
Phil gives great advice. He loves to impart his wisdom to his kids – like when he gives Haley a hardbound book of lessons when she goes off to college. And even though it can sound silly, his thoughtful nature means he often creates really special moments and lessons for all three of his children.
Still, he definitely isn’t perfect. One example is when he becomes visibly flustered when he finds out Haley lost her virginity. When he’s talking to the camera about it, he plays out how he’d like it to have gone – and acknowledges that he didn’t live up to his own standards. Importantly, though, he reflects on how he handled the situation – and learns from it. It’s a really important scene, for two reasons. Firstly, because it shows us that even great parents make mistakes. And secondly, we get to see how Haley perceived the situation. Instead of giving her the speech he wishes he did, he asks her to go grab a table for them in the food court. And actually, his response was just what she needed.
Be Optimistic
Sometimes, Phil seems almost absurdly sunny-natured. It’s particularly stark in relation to Claire’s more negative outlook. But as well as being uplifting to watch, Phil’s optimism is actually a really important part of how he parents. Sociologist Christine Carter writes that ‘there’s a close link between how optimistically kids think, and how healthy and happy they are.’ And she goes on to say that one of the best ways we can foster optimism in our children is to model it ourselves.
Work Out What’s Best For Your Family
By the end of the show’s run, the Dunphy family has gone from the traditional working dad and stay-at-home mom setup to Claire being the breadwinner, and Phil taking more of a backseat financially. And this is another way he’s a great dad and partner. He’s not worried about being emasculated. Unlike a lot of onscreen dads, he isn’t aloof or hands-off; he genuinely loves his family and wants to be as involved with them as possible. This means he is happy to take on more of a role at home when Claire wants to go back to her career. But he also does a lot of care work when he has a full-time job, too.
He’s unfazed by gender stereotypes, and is the more emotionally intuitive side of the partnership – he loves to buy Claire thoughtful gifts, for example, and masks his frustration when she buys him total flop gifts. Accepting that they don’t fit gender norms shows their kids that they don’t have to have typical relationships, either – that the most important thing (when it comes to family, friends, and life) is finding joy.
A New TV Dad
In many ways, Phil was a new kind of TV dad. He wasn’t macho or controlling, absent, or a complete buffoon. On the contrary, he was always there. He was supportive, kind, and generous. He never failed to put his family first. And on top of it all, he was really, really nerdy. And all of these genuine, fairly uncool traits, are what made him… cool.
Sources
Carter, Christine. “Raising Optimistic Kids.” Greater Good, 21 Apr. 2008, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/raising_optimistic_kids.
Flanagan, Samantha. “Boundaries for Our Children.” Counseling Directory, 22 Mar. 2022, www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/boundaries-for-our-children.
Sherborne, Virginia. “Talking Respectfully to Your Child.” Counseling Directory, 4 July 2010, www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/talking-respectfully-to-your-child.
UNICEF. “11 Tips for Communicating with Your Teen.” UNICEF Parenting, www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/11-tips-communicating-your-teen.
Wyles, Liza. “Why Are We Still Pretending Dads Have No Clue?” Romper, 15 June 2018, www.romper.com/p/fathers-deserve-better-than-the-bumbling-dad-stereotype-onscreen-9351057. Accessed 05 June 2023.