Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones and Charlotte York were set up to be complete opposites: Samantha the free-loving, up for anything hottie and Charlotte the romantic, repressed Park Avenue princess. But when we take a deeper look at their stories, we actually start to see that surprisingly… they’re a lot alike. While they don’t always see eye to eye on the ‘right’ way to live one’s life, they do share some important similarities in the ways they go about getting what they want (and in how they grow over the course of the show.) The pair actually provide some really interesting insight into how – regardless of the boxes that society might try to put us in – we’re not actually that different from people we think are nothing like us, and how having those people in our lives can actually help us form a more accepting, multifaceted view of ourselves.
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT
One reason Samantha and Charlotte often butt heads is because they both have very specific ideas about what they want out of life and how they think things should be, and those ideas exist at opposite ends of the stereotypical ‘Madonna/whore’ spectrum.
“Sex is something special that is supposed to happen between two people who love each other.” “Or two people who love sex.”
But the fact that they know what they want and are actively going after it instead of just waiting around for the universe to make something happen for them is a trait that they share. They both have jobs that they’re good at, and they have focus in their personal lives, too. They’re good friends and they each work on honing their love lives to get the situation they desire (Samantha unattached fun, Charlotte very attached traditional monogamy.) They don’t necessarily end up staying on these paths (which we’ll unpack in a second,) but they do at least have very specific ideas about what they want out of relationships and their lives as a whole and go after that.
This can lead to them getting a little stuck in their ways – they both (at first) have some pretty set in stone ideas about how women ‘should’ behave in relationships. Samantha, in her quest for power and freedom, thinks that holding onto traditional ideas about sex and relationships is a sure way to failure and sadness.
“You can bang your head against the wall and try and find a relationship or you can say screw ‘em, and just go out and have sex like a man.”
Charlotte is on the other end, holding onto the idea that those traditional ideas are the only way to ever get the happily ever after she’s always dreamed about. They’re both determined to not just sit around waiting for the life they want, but instead to go out and make it happen for themselves.
[“Charlotte treated marriage like a sorority she was desperately hoping to pledge.”
And they bring this drive to the rest of their lives, too. This has allowed them to become successful in their fields and build lives where they’re able to stand on their own two feet and weather any of the wild things life might throw their way.
While Charlotte and Samantha both start out quite sure of what they want out of life, that doesn’t mean they always end up being right about what’s actually best for them in the end. Their rules about life can cause them to stick with bad habits and relationships longer than they should, but another important quality they share is their willingness to change. Instead of just trudging along doing the same thing forever after they realize they made the wrong choice, they make the decision to regroup, figure out what they do actually want now, and then go after that. They aren’t afraid of growth or change – though, that doesn’t always mean it’s easy.
BUT THEY’RE ALSO OPEN TO GROWTH
Charlotte tries her hardest to force the so-called “perfect” life she always dreamed of to come to fruition – to the point of essentially proposing to herself. sidelining her friends and career, and going forward with the wedding even when she has a lot of reservations. Her determination and drive caused her to initially push past the reality that she didn’t want to accept. But she doesn’t just decide that what’s done is done and now she’s stuck. Once she really accepts that this life isn’t working, she breaks free and moves on. Personal growth isn’t some idealistic one-way street where you only ever improve – it can take learning the same lesson a couple of times for things to really stick. This happens for Charlotte when she does find a happy new relationship with someone she really loves, but then almost blows everything because that idea of how things are “supposed to go” is still stuck in the back of her mind. But, yet again, instead of getting stuck in this pattern forever, she realizes what she’s doing and how it’s negatively affecting her life and her ability to achieve her true goal – a happy, loving relationship – and decides to go for this new thing even if it requires a change of plans.
“I don’t care if you ever marry me. I just want to be with you.”
Samantha, on the other hand, specifically worked to avoid anything even close to monogamy because she didn’t want someone tying her down or holding her back from doing what she wanted to do with her life. But through the ups and downs of a few key relationships, she comes to find that she can in fact enjoy loving, monogamous relationships – and even if they don’t last forever, they’re still important and enrich her life.
Both Samantha and Charlotte realize that one of the most important things about rules is knowing when to bend or even totally break them. Samantha was notoriously up for anything, and learned that being in stable, longer-term relationships didn’t mean having to give up that fun and exploration. And Charlotte, who was always framed as the most uptight one on the show, actually was up for trying out quite a lot after she had some time to warm up to it. And because they were also both secure in who they were on a deeper level, they both also knew when to draw the line and move on. They both understood that the actual outcome and how it makes you feel is more important than holding on to some idea of how things could maybe one day be forever.
That security in who they are comes from the fact that they love themselves and are confident in themselves. They know that they’re not always perfect, but they know their worth and that they deserve to be happy.
“I’m nice… I’m pretty and I’m smart. I’m a catch!”
They’re not willing to let others boss them around or put them down (as can even be seen when they put each other down, and always have a comeback to stand up for themselves.) But even though they might get the occasional snipe in at the other’s expense, their shared confidence in themselves allows them to continue to stand up for themselves and each other. Because their personalities aren’t constantly clouded by self-doubt or self-hate, they’re able to learn from their experiences and grow as the show progresses. And they’re also able to cultivate supportive relationships with their friends instead of just using them as a crutch or safety net.
THEY LOVE THEMSELVES
Both Charlotte and Samantha are hit with a number of obstacles over the course of the show – divorce, heartbreak, infertility, cancer, life just generally not working out the way they had imagined – but they always manage to find a way to pull themselves back up whenever they get knocked down. They each actually find more of an equilibrium between the two sides of the spectrum that once separated them, and find that they’re much happier there. Samantha opens herself up to the love of others, and Charlotte finds a deeper love for herself.
“You better get interested… or you’re gonna end up all alone and with no man.” “Maybe I am. Would that be the worst thing that could happen?”
But most importantly they never stop believing that they’ll be able to create the life they want for themselves no matter how far they might get thrown off course.
A big part of both Charlotte and Samantha’s eventual growth and success is borne out of the fact that they both refuse to settle for less than what they think they deserve. They fight hard to get what they want, but if they realize that in the end it isn’t what serves them, they’re willing to let it go and keep trying until they do come upon the things that will bring them love and joy. Getting stuck in the idea that the thing you used to want is the only thing that you’ll ever want can be a recipe for disaster that causes you to settle for less just because it on some level makes you feel like you’ve ‘won.’ But the real win comes from being able to recalibrate, accept you were wrong, and then chart a new course towards something better.
“I’ve been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.”
THEY’RE NOT WILLING TO SETTLE
Samantha and Charlotte’s trajectories over the course of the show also make clear how ridiculous (and unfair) the whole ‘madonna/whore’ dichotomy truly is. The trope forces women to see themselves as two-dimensional caricatures instead of fully realized people, and this can lead them to making themselves miserable trying to live up to the impossible ideals of either box. At the end of the day, there’s no need to settle for getting trapped in one end or the other, because we all contain a spectrum of interests and desires – and both Charlotte and Samantha come to understand that over the show’s run. They start to see that, as much as they might fight and disagree, they’re not actually that different after all. They’re both strong-willed, confident women who love themselves and refuse to settle for anyone or anything that doesn’t bring them the happiness (and fun) that they know they deserve.
CONCLUSION
Charlotte and Samantha are proof that you don’t have to agree on everything to have a loving friendship, and that having friends that challenge your worldview and your conception of yourself a bit can actually be a good thing and lead to growth for both of you.
“This is me. I’m not a Madonna, and I’m not a whore.”
It can often feel like society is pulling us in two directions, still trying to force us to choose either the ‘Madonna’ or the ‘whore’ path. But Samantha and Charlotte show us that actually the key to happiness is not letting yourself get trapped in either box & instead focusing on building a life that works for you. Even though they are quite different, the similarities they share are important and are what allowed them to grow and change and become even better, happier people.
“Men, babies, doesn’t matter. We’re soulmates.”