Similar to its predecessor, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On, Queer Love is a social experiment for couples struggling to take the next step in their relationships, with one partner issuing an ultimatum of marriage to the other. The only difference is that the cast members are comprised of queer women and non-binary people assigned female at birth (AFAB).
As the Internet buzzes from the announcement that Queer Love is casting for Season 2, let’s examine what made the messy first season a smash hit for Netflix and why its portrayal of sapphic relationships perpetuate harmful stereotypes about queer women and AFAB non-binary people.
Heterowashing queer love
Contrary to popular beliefs about LGBTQ+ relationships, the couples on Queer Love are monogamous and share many of the same hopes and anxieties that straight couples contend with: finances, kids, family dynamics, et cetera. Speaking of heterosexuals, the TV series made the odd choice of casting Sweet Magnolias actress JoAnna Garcia Swisher as the host. This was perhaps the studio’s attempt to get more straight-identifying viewers to watch the show.
Which poses the question: who is the targeted audience?
At times, the couples’ conversations about marriage and children feel rather forced, as if the producers are pushing for viewers to say, “Oh, wow… queer people aren’t that different from straight people. We all want the same things!” While the intention to showcase what queer and straight people have in common comes from a good place, considering over 500 anti-LGBTQ+ bills have been introduced in state legislatures in 2023 (Human Rights Campaign), it also positions heterosexual institutions like marriage as the default norm for monogamous relationships, regardless of sexuality or gender identity.
This kind of cultural homogenization in Queer Love runs the risk of moralizing queer relationships, positioning queer couples that want to get married as good, which automatically positions queer people that aren’t seeking marriage as bad. This bias was clear in the treatment of last season’s “villain” Vanessa (she/her), who was issued a marriage ultimatum by her partner, Xander (she/they). While Xander wanted to start a life with Vanessa as wives and eventually raise a family together, Vanessa voiced her concerns about long-term monogamy and losing her sense of freedom.
Vanessa’s honesty about her fear of marriage was met with intense disapproval from the other participants, and it was clear from episode 2 that Vanessa was going to get the “villain edit” for the remainder of the season. While Vanessa clearly demonstrated some immature tendencies, the hate she received from both her castmates and fans of the show was unjustified. Instead of exploring other possibilities for long-term couples such as domestic partnerships or ethical non-monogamy, the show was determined to paint Vanessa as the “cheating lesbian,” which is a stereotype that still plagues lesbians and bisexual women to this day.
This is largely due to toxic portrayals of sapphic relationships on TV series like The L Word and Orange Is the New Black.
Perpetuating harmful stereotypes
Reality TV often emphasizes conflict and exaggerated personalities to create compelling narratives. When this formula is applied to LGBTQ+ relationships, it can lead to the portrayal of queer people as overly dramatic or prone to relationship issues, reinforcing harmful stereotypes that have existed for far too long. It’s essential to recognize that queer relationships are just as diverse, healthy, and stable as heterosexual relationships. At the same time, queer relationships can be just as problematic as heterosexual relationships. Toxic love does not discriminate against gender or sexuality.
Queer Love and The Ultimatum/Love Is Blind franchise gleefully dramatizes this fact, which is what makes the commodification of queer relationships for entertainment purposes so dangerous. The potential for exploitation and emotional harm to participants in Queer Love cannot be ignored. Reality TV participants often sign contracts that grant producers extensive control over their personal lives and how they are portrayed on screen. This power dynamic can lead to situations where participants feel coerced or pressured into behaving in ways they wouldn’t otherwise. In a show that deals with sensitive and personal issues such as relationships, this can have severe emotional consequences, especially for LGBTQ+ individuals who already face societal discrimination and stigma.
Reinforcing the gender binary
Another aspect of the show that is worth examining is the casting of mostly sapphic couples that mirror male/female relationships, which echoes the deeply problematic writings on gender inversion theory (Ulrich, 1864; Ellis & Symonds, 1897; Freud, 1953). First introduced in the 19th century, gender inversion theory proposes that gay men and lesbian women have the qualities and desires of the opposite sex. In other words, according to this theory, lesbian women have the minds of heterosexual men, which explains their inherent masculinity.
While there are definitely lesbians and AFAB non-binary people who present more masculine, there are plenty who present more feminine and plenty who don’t abide by the masc/femme binary. By mostly casting butch/femme couples, Queer Love still positions hetero-facing romance as the default that is hence worthy of being broadcast on national television.
Televising domestic abuse
By far, the most problematic pair on Queer Love was Mildred (she/her) and Tiff (they/them). Aside from Mildred’s blatant disregard for Tiff’s pronouns, the couple’s frequent fights (and intense on-screen lovemaking) demonstrated a long history of emotional abuse. Though it’s important to keep in mind that there are always two sides to every story, it was evident early on in the series that Mildred was often the instigator in their relationship and had trouble taking accountability for her actions.
What’s worse is that during the Queer Love reunion, which aired two years after they wrapped filming, Mildred admitted to getting arrested for assaulting Tiff but then proceeded to defend herself by gaslighting them and accusing them of infidelity. Retraumatized, Tiff left the reunion in tears and the only person who came to check on them was fellow castmate, Sam, who also played Tiff’s “trial wife” during the experiment.
“You don’t need to prove anything to her… and enough’s enough. Right?” says Sam with her arm around Tiff in the parking lot. As raw and touching as this moment was for a Reality show, the fact that the producers and host allowed Tiff’s abuser to berate them on camera is extremely exploitative. If Mildred had been a man, the producers likely would have banned her from the reunion altogether.
This underscores a troubling stigma about domestic abuse, which often dismisses that women can be abusers, too.
Is anyone from The Ultimatum: Queer Love still together?
Sam (she/her) and Aussie (they/them) are the only couple out of eight that are still together. However, there hasn’t been any announcement of their wedding, so it’s safe to assume they’re still engaged. The couple’s long engagement could perhaps have something to do with the fact that Aussie still wasn’t out to their family while they were filming the show. Only time will tell if Aussie and Sam will make it.
Lexi (she/her) and Rae (she/her) were the only other couple still engaged during the filmed reunion, but at the end of the episode, Netflix issued a statement that the couple broke up shortly after.
Now, onto the other exes…
To no one’s surprise, Tiff and Mildred are still broken up since they were last on camera together. Tiff has grown their brand as a podcaster and LGBTQ+ coach and advocate.
Yoly (she/her) and Mal (she/they) broke up shortly after the season finale. Their relationship was seriously tested when Yoly developed an intense emotional and physical connection with their “trial marriage” partner, Xander. During the reunion episode, it was revealed that Yoly and Xander tried dating again but the pair ultimately decided it wasn’t meant to be.
Vanessa (she/her) and Xander (she/they) were the only couple to break up on camera during the season finale. Xander expressed needing to be with someone (*cough* Yoly) who shared their desire for marriage and starting a family. During the reunion episode, Vanessa admitted that she missed her “buddy” Xander but wished them the best.
Conclusion
While The Ultimatum: Queer Love spin-off made for very entertaining TV and introduced a level of emotional depth and communication that its straights-only predecessor was sorely lacking, the show was a problematic mess of epic proportions: from hetero-washing to perpetuating harmful stereotypes to exploiting marginalized people and televising domestic abuse.
As Netflix starts casting for Season 2, let’s hope the producers take some of the show’s criticism to heart and that its sophomore season does a better job highlighting the diversity, challenges, and joys of LGBTQ+ relationships without sensationalizing them for gluttonous consumption.
Sources Cited
Delbyck, Cole. “Meet the Five Couples Risking It All in the ‘Ultimatum: Queer Love’ Cast.” Tudum, 1, June 2023.
Gottschalk, Lorene. “From gender inversion to choice and back: Changing Perceptions of the Aetiology of Lesbianism Over Three Historical Periods.” Women’s Studies International Forum, Volume 26, Issue 3, May–June 2003, Pages 221-233.
Peele, Cullen. “Roundup of Anti-LGBTQ+ Legislation Advancing In States Across the Country.” Human Rights Campaign, 23, May 2023.
“The Ultimatum: Queer Love: Where Are They Now?” E News, 22, August 2023.